She Was My Angel
by Suze18
Summary: He left her alone, to go be with his girlfriend. This is what resulted from it. (Song Flic) Added a little more Feb 20th


Was there ever something that you wish you could take back and do over again? Well I sure do, and as long as I live, I will never stop wishing I could. There isn't one day that I forget that choice that I made. It wasn't something that just affected my life, but it affected everyone around me. Well this is my story:

I remember we started out as friends, but others that knew us wouldn't know that because it was more of a secret amongst the two of us. In the halls, it was just hi here or there, but when _she_ was at my house, in my garage, it was different. We told each other our dreams, our fears, everything. Some of the things we shared, no one else knew about us. It was just something we thought that we could only seem to share between us; it was as if we were scared for others to know them. _She _was so easy to talk to; _she_ never made me feel like I had to hide anything about my true self. I guess you just had to know _her_ to understand what I'm saying.

You could say _she_ was my best friend, maybe even my soul mate. I cared dearly for _her_, but at the time, I didn't realize how much. She was the only one that I had told my secrets too, but one day I just went and left _her_ to fend for _herself_, leaving _her_ all alone. I had went and found myself someone, spending all my free time with my girlfriend instead; never spending any more time with _her_. We became strangers to each other.

_She_ was dearly hurt by my actions, but that hadn't ever been my attention. At first I didn't know why _she_ was so fuming, later I was told it was because _she_ had feelings for me. I had no idea that _she_ thought about me that way, it's not as if _she_ ever hinted it or anything. Eventually, _she_ went and found _herself_ in the arms of another, and it was at that point that I finally realized my true feelings for _her_, but by then it was too… late.

I stayed with my girlfriend even after I realized my true feelings. _She_ was with him, and I didn't feel like being alone. I knew from the start that _her_ boyfriend wasn't good enough for _her_. But of course, in my view no one really was, s_he_ was my angel, who deserved the world.

Many days I would look at _her, _and _she_ would just look away or stare at me with resentment in _her_ eyes. As if I'm the one who got _her _into the hell, _she_ now lived in. If she hates her life so much, then why does she stay with him, is it because I'm still with someone, and she can't bare to watch.

I wanted to yell out to _her_, "Be with me, not him. I'm the one for you"

_Spend all your time waiting_

_for that second chance_

_for a break that would make it okay_

_She_ came back into my life for a breath moment; _she_ had uncovered a big secret, a secret that would change_ her_ whole life. I was sure surprised that _she_ had chosen me to help _her_ out; it wasn't as if we had spoken in months.

I remember always praying that I would get my second chance that we would go back to the days in my garage, and here I was finally my chance. I kept telling myself not to screw it up.

As I helped _her_ out, it felt like we were finally getting back what we lost. That our friendship was finally being repaired, and may lead to what we both have wanted for so long. However, it ended as fast as started it. As soon as we uncovered it,_ she_ went right back to her dead beat boyfriend. It was like, it was before, but it felt much worse the second time around.

_there's always one reason_

_to feel not good enough_

_and it's hard at the end of the day_

Some days I would sit in my bed and look at the phone, trying to ease up the courage to phone _her_, but no, I am too much of a chicken. To tell you truth I didn't think I would be able to find the right words to make _her _understand why. I hated myself for leaving _her_, leaving _her_ to be with him. A guy that I could see _she _hated even scared of.

I find it hard to sleep, as I wonder what _she's_ doing at this very moment. Is _she _thinking of me?

Longing to hold _her_ in my arms, and never leave _her_ again. This pain is eating me alive and making it harder and harder to go on. I needed something to help me forget, to forget _her._

_I need some distraction_

_oh beautiful release_

_memory seeps from my veins_

My girlfriend was no help; she didn't help distract me from thinking about _her_, she only made it all the easier, she became real boring to me. I just stayed with her out of comfort, someone keep me from being lonely.

Therefore, I found something else to help me forget, and boy did she really help me forget: the way she kissed my lips, nibbled on my ear, or how she moved her body as we had sex. It was hours before I thought about _her_. It felt so nice to forget, if even for a little while.

It became a weekly thing; I went to her, and she helped me out. I did let my boys in on it though, and of course, Spin was cheering me on. He was a little jealous that I had two girls, while he only had one. If he knew my reasons behind it would he be all for it?

It wasn't too long before my girlfriend found out about the girl on the side. She dumped me right on the spot. Then so did my little sex kitten because I had lied to her, making her believe that I wanted to be with her. What was I going to do now to forget?

_She_ soon found out about it all, I still remember the way _she_ looked at me with so much disgust. I had never seen _her_ look at anyone the way _she_ looked at me that day. I wanted to disappear at that point, away from this place. I never wanted _her_ to see me that way, see me for a cheater, a user. I wanted _her_ to see me the way I see _her_ when I look at _her_.

_let me be empty_

_and weightless and maybe_

_I'll find some peace tonight_

I wanted to be free of the burden that I held. I was the cause of so many heartaches, and it seem like the more I tried to forget _her_, the more pain I seem to cause. Why do I keep doing this to myself, letting myself suffer? Why can't I just go be a man and go after what I really want in life? Maybe then, my life would be how it's meant to be.

Sometimes I wanted to drown my pain away in drugs and booze, but then I think of my father and the way he was. And decided that I didn't want to be like him, I didn't want to become like someone I hated so much.

_in the arms of an angel_

_fly away from here_

I heard about the tragedy in _her_ family. I couldn't believe my ears, how could this be happening to _her_. I knew this was the last thing _she_ needed in _her_ life right now, knowing the pain she already was in. No one deserves this to happen to them especially _her_. I just wanted to go right up to _her_, and shield _her_ from any pain. I wanted to be_ her_ knight and shining armor, but I couldn't _she_ had a brand new boyfriend for that.

All I could do was look at _her_ from a far, I knew _she_ was hurting inside, I could tell by the way _her_ eyes looked, _her_ body language. Would this new guy be able to help _her_ when_ she_ cried at night, would he know how to make _her_ smile when _she_ was down? I hope he could, otherwise _she_ was going to be totally melancholy.

_from this dark cold hotel room_

_and the endlessness that you fear_

_you are pulled from the wreckage_

_of your silent reverie_

I'm pulled back into reality, away from the days of dreaming about _her_. Life has been nothing but bad to me. I decided the best thing was not to be anywhere near _her_. Maybe then, I can go on with my life, and forget that _she_ was ever my angel, the only one I've ever loved.

_you're in the arms of the angel_

_may you find some comfort there_

I found out that I was going to be a father, because of all my nights trying to forget _her_. Maybe this was suppose to be a way to help me move ahead, instead of staying still like I have been for so long. I start thinking of my new little family; and how I was going to be the kind of dad that I never had. Okay it wasn't that I really want to have a child with her (the sex kitten), but the thought of actually having something that was a part of me to love made it all seem worth it.

It wasn't too much time after that that those dreams went down the drain. My own flesh and blood was now dead because of the witch. She had killed our little innocent child just because she wasn't ready. Only thinking of herself of course. Didn't I get a say in the matter, I did take a part in the deed.

I wanted to hit something, scream at the top of my lungs, but most of all I wanted to be in _her_ arms. I wanted _her_ to make it all better. _She_ was the only one that knew how to help me, to make me feel better. _She_ had helped me out when my dad died. I spent many nights crying for my baby, to much into my own little world that I didn't see that _she_ were starting crumpling away.

_It wasn't _

_so tired of the straight line_

_and everywhere you turn_

_there's vultures and thieves at your back_

I was losing the battle with the world, after everyone found out about the pregnancy, it seemed like I couldn't turn anywhere. It was worse than after everyone had found out that I cheated. No one would really talk to me. Only Spin would talk to me, but of course only when Paige wasn't around, since he was on a tight leash.

The pain inside of losing everything that was precious to me was starting to get to me. What was I going to lose next, my sister? I mean is it ever going to stop! Why was it that I always had to lose everything?

It's time for me to go back to _her_, to plead my case. I don't know if _she_ will forgive me after all that's happened these past two years, but I have at least try. _She's_ the only one that can make me all better again, only one who can heal me.

_and the storm keeps on twisting_

_you keep on building the lie_

_that you make up for all that you lack_

_it don't make no difference_

I come begging on my knees to _her_, to let me back into _her_ life. And right away, _she_ took me in without making me explain, or anything. _She_ just took me into _her _arms. At that moment, I knew something is desperately wrong, _she_ doesn't forget, and forgive this easily. I tried to get _her_ to talk to me, but _she_ just laid there in my arms, crying. I just left it at that for a while. I needed to feel what it felt to have _her_ in my arms, and not let _her_ go.

I can see that _she_ is slowly wasting away, that _she's_ crumpling to the ground. Not one of _her_ friends seemed to notice, but I do. It seemed funny to me that _her_ own friends, some that have known _her_ longer then I, yet they don't see the change in _her_. What does that really say about them? Are they really paying attention, or do they think that _she_ could never fall.

I confront _her_ this morning about the pills I found in _her_ bag last night, when _she_ slept at my house, in my bed. _She_ began to get angry with me, telling me that maybe it would have been better if I would have stayed out of _her_ life. _She_ walked away from me that day, this time _her_ doing, not mine.

_escaping one last time_

_it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh_

_this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees_

A week later, _she_ phoned my house, _she_ didn't tell me that it was _she_, but I could tell by _her_ angelic voice, all _she_ said was "Good-bye" and then hung up.

I couldn't figure out what _she_ meant at first, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to freak out, almost having a panic attack, telling me that this couldn't be happening. I just ran down the stairs out the front door of his house, leaving my dad there to wonder where I was heading in the middle of the night.

I had to save _her_ from doing something stupid, something insane. I wished that I hadn't brought up the pills that day, maybe then _she_ would be in my arms, in my bed. No, I couldn't think like that, _she_ is going to be all right, she had to be.

I called 911 as I ran there so that they could be there as soon as possible. I was barely able to tell them any details because I couldn't get out the words, words that I didn't want to believe. I was breathing hard and heavy, as I ran towards _her_ house, feeling like my life was being sucked out of me.

_in the arms of an angel_

_fly away from here_

I arrived at _her_ house, climbing through _her_ bedroom window to find _her_ lying on the cold damp cement floor, clenching onto _her_ stomach. _Her_ eyes were slightly open; I could hear _her_ whimper out in pain. "Why…are you here?" _she_ asked me.

Sitting right down be side _her_, hovering over _her_, "Why wouldn't I, you called me. I couldn't just let you do this to yourself."

I tried to move _her_ on _her_ side to help _her_ throw up whatever _she_ had taken, but s_he_ pushed me away.

"Don't," pleading with her eyes.

"Why not," I shrieked. Mad that _she_ was giving up.

"The pain's…too much,"_ she_ slowly spoke, having a hard time keeping _her_ eyes open. She was slowly fading away.

I cried my tears dropped upon _her _face. S_he_ was only one who's ever seen me like this; _she_ was beginning to cry too. Life didn't seem to be fair, why was it doing this to me? Why was it taking _her_ from me?

_from this dark cold hotel room_

_and the endlessness that you fear_

_you are pulled from the wreckage_

_of your silent reverie_

I heard the ambulance in the background, and I was relieved, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was too late. I looked down at _her_, and decided that it's time I told _her_ what I should have said the moment I realized it, "I love you."

And for a brief moment she rested _her_ hand on my cheek, "I…love you too."

_you're in the arms of the angel_

_may you find some comfort there_

I pulled _her_ into my arms as I did only weeks before and just began to cry. _She_ just glazed into my eyes, saying, "Don't cry…I will always…be with you…" Just like that, _she _was gone from my life again, but this time nothing would bring _her _back to me.

But if Emma Nelson had to leave this world, at least it was in the right place, right with me, Craig Manning, in my arms.

I grasp that it all started the day I left _her_ alone, with no one to turn to. If I would have been there for _her_ when _she_ really needed me, if I hadn't abandoned _her,_ then maybe, just maybe, I could have helped _her_ through all this pain that _she_ held close to _her_ heart. Maybe then, _she_ wouldn't have chosen to take _her_ life.

Others are going to be without _her_ because of my choices. They will never see_ her_ beautiful smile, hear _her_ angelic voice, or just be in _her_ wonderful presence. I can't say my choice would have help, but I can't help but wonder if it would have. I'm just going to have to live with this for the rest of my life, even if the pain of this is eating me alive inside.

Angel by Sarah McLaughlin 


End file.
